Friday, June 17, 2016

Whole30, Days 12, 13, 14, & 15: Why Am I Doing This To Myself

Catch up on all the Whole30 posts by clicking here.

Before we get started here, let me apologize for yet another late post. It is now noon on Day 17, a full 36 hours after I should have published this blog post. While I would normally chalk this up to good old fashioned laziness, this time we must blame my jalapeño-burned hand.  Jalapeño burns? you ask. YES. JALAPEÑO BURNS. We'll get there. Just wait.


Breakfast: Potato, Onion, Kielbasa Hash
Sunday started out calmly with a familiar meal of potato hash. It's a simple food, and we've had it several times already on Whole30 (first on Day 4), but it never fails to make me happy. It's just so delicious!

Lunch: Steak, Grilled Vegetables, Hashbrowns with Onions, Melon, and a Salad with Craisins and Pine Nuts

At lunch time on Sunday, Kenny and I ventured out of our little kitchen into the great unknown. We had been invited for a Sunday brunch at Kenny's aunts' house, and they had graciously offered to make a Whole30 compliant meal for us.

And OH. MY. HEAVENS. It was delicious.

Pam and Jane served us perfectly-done steaks with side salads, grilled veggies (squash, zucchini, mushrooms, and peppers), hashbrowns with onions, and tuscan melon (which is like cantalope on steroids). The weather was gorgeous, so we sat outside in the sunshine and enjoyed the breeze. It was perfect.

...and I forgot to take pictures. I am so sorry. The nicest, fanciest, most delicious meal we've eaten, and I took no pictures.

Dinner: Spaghetti Squash, Red Sauce, Chicken Meatballs, and the Hamiltonys

Kenny and I have made the squash and sauce several times already - we're getting to be pros at chopping open spaghetti squashes! However, the chicken meatballs were a new addition. To be fair, they were more chicken meatblobs than balls, but they were delicious nonetheless. (For those of you following along, the recipes for this meal can be found on pp. 294, 324, and 226 in the Whole30 book)

While we were cooking, I asked Kenny if he would mind if I turned on the opening number of the Tonys (I was hoping Hamilton would play a major role). I promised I would only watch the opening number and then come back to help him cook. And then I promised I would come back just as soon as the Shuffle Along performance was over...and then after the She Loves Me performance was over...and then suddenly it was after 10 pm and I had watched the entire award show.

Kenny graciously finished up dinner and joined me on the couch (he also didn't give me trouble for breaking the No TV During Dinner rule. Kenny is an angel.)

Also, if you haven't watched the Tonys, you should watch this:

And this:

You're welcome.


Breakfast: Leftover potato/onion hash
Monday proved to be a largely uneventful day with largely uninteresting meals. I ate some leftover potato hash for breakfast. No major excitement, and no photos.

Lunch: Leftover Spaghetti Sqaush with the Heavenly Meatballs
Lunch proved equally uneventful, though it did involve eating more of the fabulous meatballs that we made the night before. These meatballs are getting added to my list of favorite things. Like, right up there next to cheese. Whatever the results of Whole30 may be, these meatballs are staying with me for life.

Dinner: Meatloaf
On Monday night, Kenny and I opted to make a meatloaf. Due to a generous donation of almond flour (that stuff is expensive) from Pam and Jane, Kenny and I were able to make a meatloaf with an otherwise-normal recipe. We used leftover red sauce from our Sunday-night dinner, a variety of spices and a huge hunk of raw meat. Yum.

Unfortunately, no pictures of the cooked meatloaf. It turns out that meatloaf without a layer of ketchup looks pretty gross.


Breakfast: Chicken Tenders and Ranch Dressing
On Monday night, in addition to making meatloaf, Kenny and I made a batch of chicken tenders that we hoped to have for breakfast several times this week.

So we mixed up a bunch of spices (and way too much cayenne pepper)

and coated some raw chicken

and made an incredibly unappetizing meal of overly spicy chicken tenders with a soggy breading. Kenny enjoyed this very much. I thought it was disgusting.

And thus, my desire to quit Whole30 returned.

Lunch: Meatloaf - Pilates
Around lunchtime on Tuesday, I headed out to my Pilates class. I'm still pretty weak, but I'm making progress. This week I made it 25 whole minutes before I felt like death! Huzzah!

Tragically, when I returned home, I was greeted by this disgusting meatloaf.

Kenny likes this meatloaf. And I guess, by meatloaf standards, it is probably just fine. But day old meatloaf without ketchup is just wholly unappealing to me.

Dinner: Tuna Salad / Chipotle
After a disappointing breakfast and lunch, I really wanted to have a delicious dinner. Kenny had requested a big batch of tuna salad, so I opted to grab four cans of tuna, the rest of our homemade mayo and a bunch of diced onions.

After mixing it all up, I took a bite. And apparently, I don't like tuna anymore than I like spicy chicken tenders or day-old meatloaf.

This is not the meal I made. This looks more delicious than the meal I made. And this is cat food. 

In fact I hate tuna. My kitchen smelled like wet dog and dog breath and dog food had all been combined in a bowl and turned into a stink bomb that exploded in my kitchen. It was so awful. I threw it all in tupperware, closed the fridge, opened all the windows, and got the heck out of my kitchen.

Unfortunately, I needed to head to class, and I didn't have time to make any more food. So I stopped at Chipotle and got lettuce, carnitas, pico, and guacamole. And can I just share that Chipotle still charged my $9.65 for this? Even though I refused rice, beans, veggies, cheese and basically all the other salsas? Have they no common decency? No pity for a woman who is in a self-induced food hell?

Oh well.


Breakfast: Almond Butter
Our meal plan listed chicken tenders for breakfast, but I refused to eat them, so I just ate a bunch of almond butter instead.

Lunch: Meatloaf and a Bunch of Grapes
I tried to give the meatloaf one last shot, but after a full two minutes in the microwave, the darn thing was only hot on the edges and was still cold in the middle. So I picked at it and then put it away.

But I was still hungry. Hangry, in fact, given how little satisfying food I had eaten over the previous 24 hours. And all of my hangriness was directed at Whole30.

I wanted to get back at Whole30. I wanted to let Whole30 know how incredibly angry and frustrated I was with the whole stupid program. So I did something rebellious.

I ate too many grapes.

See, you are only supposed to eat fruit sparingly on Whole30. BUT I DIDN'T. I ATE SO MUCH FRUIT. I'm pretty hardcore.

Dinner: Porkchops, Guacamole, Roasted Potatoes
After recovering from my fit of rebellion, I decided to sit down and meal plan, then go to the grocery store to stock up on foods I actually like. I was determined to recapture my enthusiasm. As I assigned different meals to different days, I selected something that I knew both Kenny and I would find delicious: porkchops and guacamole. We loved it so much the first time, right?

So I headed out to the store to buy avocados and pork. If only I had known then that my pain-free hours were numbered.

At exactly 3:48 pm on Wednesday afternoon, I began finely chopping a japaleno. I cut this jalapeno with reckless abandon, slicing and dicing to my heart's content.

How delicious my guacamole will be, I thought naively. I'm so glad I decided to use the jalapeno like Chipotle recommends. 

Happily humming to myself, I dumped the jalapeno into the bowl, using my fingers to push every last bit off the chopping board.

And then, at about 4:23, I felt this weird tingle in my left ring finger. I ran some cold water over said finger.

Then, at apporximately 4:37, that tingle grew to become a slight burning sensation. I wondered if my finger had been hit by a grease splatter when I cooked the pork chops.

By 4:58 I was standing by the sink with my entire left hand under the running water, crying in pain.

Turns out, jalapeno oil can burn you.

You must understand, this is not equivalent to a burn you would get from a hot pan or from spending too long on the beach. This burn was the most unbelievably painful thing I have ever experienced. If I wasn't actively holding my hand under icy cold water, it felt as though my fingers were being held in an open flame or being pressed onto a burning hot stove top. I couldn't see straight.

Kenny and I even got in the car to go to urgent care because I just couldn't believe that it was normal for a human to feel so much pain simply because they cut up a jalapeno. However, in trying to figure out a way to be mobile, I discovered that holding my hand against an ice pack, numbing the heck out of all my nerve endings, was sufficient to keep me from death.

Of course, I couldn't do much or go anywhere with my hand submerged in a bowl of ice. Kenny had to take off my shoes, put toothpaste on my toothbrush, and help me put on PJs. (Have I mentioned he's an angel?)

But then it was time for bed, and the pain was too great to fall asleep. So I turned to the internet for remedies that would reduce the pain enough for me to get some rest.

And let me tell you, I tried everything:
1. Covering my fingers in a baking soda paste
2. Soaking my hand in apple cider vinegar
3. Soaking my hand in lime juice
4. Soaking my hand in lemon juice
5. Slathering my hand in aloe vera
6. Slathering my hand in aloe vera with menthol
7. Pouring sugar all over my hand
8. Covering my hands in oil
9. Covering my hands in dish soap
10. At the suggestion of one internet blogger, I even filled a glove with mustard and soaked my hand in ice water.

I stuck my hand in a glove full of mustard. OF MUSTARD. THAT IS HOW MUCH PAIN I WAS IN. 

Also, it didn't work. Nothing worked. None of these damned remedies worked. 

So, I filled a bowl with ice cubes, got in bed, and slept with my hand on ice all night. About every 30-45 minutes, when the cubes had melted entirely, I got up and got a fresh batch of ice, stuck my hand back in, and cried myself back to sleep. At about 12:18 am, my right hand started burning too, because apparently I wasn't in enough pain before, so then I stuck both hands in ice and slept like a seal until it was time to collect the next batch of pain-numbing tools.

It was lovely. 

By Thursday morning, only my left thumb still hurt, so that was a blessing at least. 

But Thursday is for the next post. 

P.S. We're half-way through!


  1. I hope another post is coming soon! I've been loving these and I'm on day 1 of my whole 30. Don't abandon the cause!

    1. Hey Ashley! No worries - we haven't abandoned Whole30! I have another post drafted that I just haven't gotten around to finishing. It's on today's to-do list though, so check back tonight!


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